being and doing

It's pretty attractive these days to keep a busy schedule. In the church, it's pretty much a badge of honor. We don't really mean for it to be, but it is. It's real subtle, but it looks something like this: Look at how hard she's serving. What a heart for God that guy has! You start out with a sincere desire to serve God and to touch people's lives, so you work hard. The harder you work, the more ministries you find yourself a part of, the more badges you earn. The more badges you earn, the more you're respected and admired. The more you're respected and admired, the more you're motivated to keep busy. And on the cycle goes. You can never do too much of a good thing, right?

Til one day, you look in the mirror, and you're wondering who on earth you're looking at. You're burned out, you're tired, you're ready to quit. But if you were to quit being ________ (fill in your own blank)... who would you be?

Right now I am a legal secretary-pastoral intern-worship leader-youth mentor-communications director. Look at my badges... look at who I am...

But are my badges, are my job descriptions and titles really who I am? (For that matter, is what I type here really who I am?) If I were to quit all of those things, would I still be able to recognize myself in the mirror?

Sometimes, I'm a little unsure of what that answer would be. It's so easy to find myself solely in my doing... to see myself in the image people reflect back to me as a result of what I do. That scares me. For two reasons: 1) I can get pretty impressed with myself sometimes. Look at how hard I work, look at what a servant I am, look at how much I love God... I start enjoying the thank-you-for-using-your-gifts and boy-that-really-blessed-me, etc., a little too much. I try hard to have a right heart, but sometimes, I start seeing my only value as what I can produce. Either that, or I get really disgusted with myself. I fell short, I messed up, I couldn't do enough. Basing my self-evaluation on my activity and on others' responses always leaves me with a skewed view, one way or the other. 2) I run the risk of being so busy "doing ministry" that I cease ministering. I'm running from here to there, doing this or that, too busy to really be available for unscheduled kinds of ministry. (They're called, in common language, "interruptions"). I miss making time to stop and listen and look into the eyes of a friend, rather than a quick hug and away-I-go. I miss the "I really need to talk" tone in one of my girls' voices because I have to go help with tearing down sound. As if speakers and monitors couldn't wait!

I run the risk of being the priest or the Levite who are so consumed with the activities they're admired for, they ignore and pass by their bloodied and battered neighbor, lying desperate in the street.

When I got hurt nearly two years ago, I fought so hard to continue all the activities I had done before. I had myself convinced that it was because I loved people and serving God, and while that was surely a part of it, I think it was also that I was scared to give up my honor badges. If I wasn't Stacey, Super-Hero-Christian... who was I? Could people love me if I didn't produce anything? Could I love myself? Could God?

I learned that the answer was yes... yes, grace does exist, and it not only exists in God, but it also exists in the hearts of his people. I am still me, even when I do nothing very impressive.

Let me be clear - being means precious little if doing does not express it (James is a bit blunt on this)... but for us busy types, it's important to remember what comes first, and what truly makes us who we are. We are who we are because of the work of Christ in our lives. That's it. We can't add to what God has already done. We can only express it.

Thomas Merton offers some great thoughts on this:

"... we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from circumstances that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are to be the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition."

"We are warmed by fire, not by the smoke of the fire. We are carried over the sea by a ship, not by the wake of a ship. So too, what we are is to be sought in the invisible depths of our own being, not in our outward reflection of our own acts."

Take off your badges for a second and look into the mirror. Can you still see yourself? God still does. In case you've forgotten, He's as crazy about you as ever. Just as much in your dumb regretted moments and motives as He is when you shine. I needed that reminder this week. And if you did too, be at peace.