preggers

I've been getting good email lately. Two, in particular, rocked me. They both spoke good, wise words. Spoke grace and truth. I'm not too proud to say that I needed it. Thank you, dear ones.

(Hopefully they won't kill me for passing along their words here. It was Just. So. Good. And there have got to be other hearts out there that need a breath of fresh air today).

Email 1, snippets:

I feel so, so – pregnant – that it's hard not to feel as if I will explode before I see things come to fruition in my life. I know you know the feeling.

...Be encouraged – what I have sensed throughout this process is that in life, there will be good things, and then there will be the best things, good guys, but then the best guy, good job opportunities, but then the best job fit (which we cannot judge by the world's standards). The hard part is discerning between the two... or making peace with God and ourselves when something doesn't work out that we could have sworn was a "best." I've been known to be so bad about looking to the past and regretting – but I'm finally coming to terms with looking at the present and saying "okay God, this must mean you have something better." And at the same time, doing everything within my power to make this present moment the fullest...

This was one of the best me-too's I've ever received.

Pregnant.

Funny word choice. It's come up a lot recently. And not just because many of my friends are-it. Anne Lamott wrote in Traveling Mercies about how she sat next to a guy on a plane who worked closely with the Dalai Lama. He said they believe when things get all crazy and hectic and burdensome and hard, it's because something in us is trying to get itself born. And it needs us to be distracted so it can be born as perfectly as possible.

Sitting on the ferry, highlighting the words because I'm a nerd and highlight things in my books, I had to blink back tears.

Then it came up a few weeks ago during my coffee/meeting with Pastor Dan. "Grasshopper," he said (which always makes this strange kung-fu-ish movie soundtrack play in my head), "Grasshopper – you are SO pregnant... so on the verge of something..." He then went on to encourage me that he couldn't wait to see what this season of my life will give birth to.

Something in me is trying to get itself born. I've sensed it for a long time. But it's been a painful process. I'm uncomfortable. I don't fit in my life right. I feel way more clumsy than usual (which is saying something). There's the inevitable emotional rollercoaster – and then feeling genuinely bad about being on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm a bit nervous as to how much it's going to hurt – what toll this process is going to take on me – before something new and beautiful is brought forth.

Equal parts fear and anticipation. What a cocktail.

...Good things. Best things. Peace with God and self when we had the two mixed up.

Wow. My heart jumped up and cried it's own me-too. And, of course, she hit on the two hardest areas: meaningful life-work, and the love stuff.

It's not difficult once Best or even Better comes along. Everyone says, "Man! I can't believe I thought that was what would be best for me!" It's the in-the-meantime that's hard.

With regards to work, I'm hoping again. I'm seeing some Better on the horizon, and I'm smiling often just thinking about it. Not even because it'll be The Best... but because I know it'll at least be Better. The love stuff: not so easy. Good, Best so Far, whatever, set the bar pretty high... and I've come across none who measure up. Believing that there's a better plan than what I had in mind takes faith , but it's been quietly and determinedly taking root, growing in me a peace. And – miracle – I've released myself from feeling like it could've worked had I been Better.

...I'm finally coming to terms with looking at the present and saying "okay God, this must mean you have something better."

Thank you, dear friend, for taking time to speak words that calmed my soul and soothed my heart. As you have refreshed me, be refreshed.

Yahweh, Yahweh

Always pain before the child is born

Yahweh, Yahweh

Still I'm waiting for the dawn...