chuck norris

I originally posted this over the weekend, but it is much more appropriate for a Monday morning.

What is WRONG with me?  I can't read this stuff and not laugh.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. 

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires. 

Chuck Norris does not sleep.  He waits. 

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.  

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.  

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.  

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.  

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.  

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.  

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.  

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.  

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.  

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of EGG NOG in thirty-seven seconds.  

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.   

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.  

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."  

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.  

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.  

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.  

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough. 

chucknorrisfacts.com