story time

Lawlis, you have demanded awkward dating stories.  Awkward dating stories you shall receive.  (I have had a long and demanding week, so I am probably in a more sarcastic mood than usual; please don't think me terribly heartless).

About May of this past year, I was encouraged by my former roommate to jump back out there into the dating world.  How?  Match.com, baby.  That's right.  I didn't stutter.  (I may have blushed in shame, but I didn't stutter).

Amanda, bless her heart, got SUPER DUPER MAKES-ME-SICK LUCKY via that stupid site, and met an amazing, sweet, fun firefighter who is now a dear friend of mine and a favorite camping buddy.  They are going on two years now and in their case, this whole phenomenon called online dating actually worked.  Bleh.

I resisted for a long time, assuming that most of those who attempt dating online did so because they were too socially weird to get a date in real life.  However, living in Kitsap County is like living in the Dead Sea of dating.  At her urging, I finally gave in and gave it a shot.  After all, it worked for them.

I didn't end up with a soulmate, but I did end up with some good stories.  Well, not schizo-attack cool, but one is close.  Here are my dates and the lessons I learned (or, feel free to skip down to the Ultimate Awkward Story at the bottom, in blue):

Bachelor Number 1: Jonathan.  After a few emails back and forth, we met in Kirkland at one of my old haunts for coffee.  Piece of advice: never - EVER - go out for coffee on a blind-ish date.  It was awesomely awkward.  Five minutes into the whole thing, I realize that we have pretty much nothing in common.  Ten minutes in, I realize he's got the personality of toast.  Stale, cold, yesterday's toast. Fifteen minutes in, I begin to panic slightly, and the whole thing turned into a halting game of 20 Questions.  And there are only so many questions you can ask about family and where you grew up and what's work like... so it's more like 10 Questions.  I almost laughed when I caught him glancing at his watch halfway through; I shared his sentiments exactly.  After an excruciating hour or so, he walked me out to my car and after a clumsy hug and a "Talk to you soon" which neither of us believed, I drove away.  Before I even left the parking lot, an embarrassed giggle had grown to full-blown laughter, and I promptly called good friends to share the story.  In fact, I remember Jules not being by her phone, and I just laughed into her voicemail for a few minutes and told her to call me to hear my tale of woe.

Lesson learned: 1) Go to a movie.  Go to dinner.  Go to something with a definite beginning and an end... preferably with entertainment or steak involved. 2) Going through the world's most terrible date doesn't make you hesitant; it makes you brave.  If you made it through that, you can make it through anything.  Awkwardness no longer scares you.

AMENDMENT: I have been overruled by Myles and Phil on the no-coffee date thing, and upon further reflection I realize that I would hate dinner just as much had it been that awful.  And Phil's right, you can't talk during a movie.  Perhaps the awkwardness would have only been prolonged had either of these routes been taken.  So, new lesson learned: have coffee.  Only spend a few bucks.  But don't be afraid to high-tail it on out of there if you've been polite, exchanged a few pleasantries, and thought to yourself, "Nope.  No way."

Bachelor Number 2: Greg.  Greg was 32 or something like that, so a little older than I'm used to, but that was fine.  We talked on the phone a few times before hanging out.  He was funny, we spoke well and laughed quite a bit.  He took me to a Mariner's game, which is my idea of a good time.  On our way in, he says, "I hope you don't mind the nosebleed section," and I feel I earn major points by saying, "I could care less.  Pretty much every seat's a good seat in this place, and I'm just glad to be at a game."  Yeah.  We ended up sitting in the second row just behind the first base line.  A great date, we had fun.  I was thinking of moving to Seattle at this point -- he offered to be among my movers.  I didn't move; we didn't go out again.

Lesson learned: Who cares?  I got sweet seats to a great game, and some genuinely good company for an evening, complete with the kind of compliments any girl smiles to receive.  What's not to like?

Bachelor Number 3: Matt.  I ended up at a BBQ at Matt's place and was surprised to find that I have learned to be comfortable bravely walking into situations where I once would have been intimidated.  I met Matt, I met his friends, I laughed and talked with everyone had a great time.  Matt and I got along well but he was too much party for me, but his much-tamer friend and I got into discussing guitar and all that deep musician-speak -- he ended up asking Matt for my info later and asking to take me out, which flattered me big-time. 

Lesson learned: 1) Groups are really fun and a good way to see what a person is really like.  People don't tend to fake it in front of their friends.  2) Being confident and being yourself is the best thing you could ever do.  It feels good to be brave.

Date 4: Tim.  Tim was just sweet.  He's the guy who dates online not because he's weird, but because he's shy and quiet at first and it's probably just hard to make a start.  When I busted my knee, it was Tim who brought me a get-well card on our second date.  A card with a teddy-bear on the front. 

Lesson learned: It was good to be reminded that those guys do still exist who will get you a cheesy card at Hallmark to make you feel better.  Things didn't work out between us (my decision, for which I felt bad), but he's a kind man who deserves all the best.

NON-DATE/ULTIMATE STORY OF AWKWARDNESS: *Note: names have been changed to protect the awkward.  Because I'd feel bad kinda.

James* emailed me through the Match.com site.  I was sure he was a nice guy, but something was just off.  Trying too hard, maybe a bit desperate.  Girls can sense that sort of thing intuitively, and it makes us skittish in the same way that a guy gets nervous when he sees a potentially date-worthy chick's coffee table covered in bridal magazines.  Not wanting to hurt his feelings overtly, I didn't write back, thinking that the best course of action.  If someone chooses not to write back, their lack of interest is pretty clear.

Or not, apparently.  Maybe we just play hard to get.

Suffice it to say that after a total of five (ignored) emails where I grew increasingly uncomfortable, I received a nasty-gram of the utmost indignant anger.  I only paid to use the service so I could meet you!  The least you could have done was write to me!  It was fairly long and his level of hurt indicated he'd had an entire relationship with me, all without my knowledge or involvement.  In the course of five emails (all his), I had toyed with him, led him on, and in the end, broken his heart.  (And wasted fifty big ones).

He wanted an email, he got one.  I was kinder than I needed to be, but I believe my point was made quite clear.  The word "creepy" assisted me in my explanation.  That was that.  No more James.

Gracie and I were out at Olive Garden, our usual, when this story came up.  I was explaining a little about this dude, that he was a pilot and that he was in engineering school, thinking I was safe in relaying the awkward tale.  Grace nearly choked on her salad.  Her husband Andy is in school with the guy (they are two of eight in a program).  No joke.  James* was actually at the wedding where I was a bridesmaid.  Oh, she cried laughing.  It was just too good.  And my intuitions were fully right.  Odd dude.

And that was the end of the James* tale.  Odd coincidence, but it was done.

About a month later, I received a call from my mom after work.  She said (and I quote), "So I met a friend of Andy's from work today.  He was one of my patients today."  Immediately, a curious sinking feeling in my stomach.  "He seems like a really nice guy." Tone: you should go out with this guy. 

Me, already knowing the answer: "Really?  What... was... his... name?"

Mom: "James* something."

Me: "MOM!  %@#&!  IT'S THE CRAZY INTERNET GUY!"

Mom: Hysterical laughter.

Speed dial 7, Grace: Hysterical laughter.

Fast forward a few months.  It's Halloween.  Gracie and Andy are throwing a party for friends.  I'm there, in my angel-ness, having a good time.  There's a knock at the door, and in walks James* the pilot.  Dressed up as... a pilot. 

I think it sank in within seconds.

And it was beautiful.

Lesson learned: there are worse things than being single.  Oh, so much worse.