telling stories

It's hard to know even where to begin.  So much has happened.  This is a story I have been DYING to tell.  I'm at a good place to tell it, and I suspect there's at least ONE who's dying to read it, so...

I guess the beginning is a good spot.

I've known him since we were seventeen years old (we were born three days apart).  We went to community college for two years together and then went off to the same small Bible college.  We served in the same youth ministry -- he was Kevo's small group leader (introducing him to the majesty of Mountain Dew), and I led group for his cousins, Brett & Garrett (they had me doing the Dew in no time).

At community college, we'd see each other everyday in the lounge where we'd all congregate before and after our classes to talk and goof off and drink mochas a la Mark.  We were great friends -- no one could make me laugh like this tall goofy kid did, and I always found that the conversation flowed easy.  It's been almost ten years since we sat in those chairs, and I recall glimpses only.  But I distinctly remember that he was kinder to me than he was to the rest, as well as simply being kinder than the rest.

I had a boyfriend.  Of course, I had a boyfriend.  (And yes, he was nicer to me than the boyfriend, too).

We headed off to Bible college and while we remained friends, things changed as we made new friends and found our time filled with different pursuits.  We didn't have coffee together each morning -- we lost touch.  After one year at the school, we both left in different degrees of disillusionment.  He moved to Cheney, near Spokane (across the state) and began his search for authentic faith, and I came home, having utterly failed, to try to sort out the remains of The Plan I'd started out with.  That could have been the end of the story where Justin is concerned.  I'm so glad it's not.

I have this amazing friend from that year at college who I suspect I am somewhat indebted to...  I don't think buying him a beer will quite cover it, either.  Levi, my closest guy friend and the only one I've kept in good touch with since that year, also moved over to Spokane and ended up living in the apartment below Justin.  I guess I came up at one point or another, and Levi gave Justin the address to my blog.  Curious after nearly six years, he went.  He read.  He wrote me an email and we ended up talking on the phone for a bit late that night, catching up on where the last several years had taken us.

This was May 2005, and from there we began flurries of emails back and forth, covering everything from music to books to movies (just about anything a person can have a top ten list of) to our favorite stories and where our faith journey had taken us.  The conversation would be going great -- seamless, really, so comfortable -- but inevitably the part of my life that's away from the keyboard would get crazy for me, and there would be these pauses.  I'd be working long hours at work.  I'd go on a few dates.

Life would calm down again, and we'd always pick up our conversation and our friendship where we left off.

Fast forward to March 18.  (Or, scroll down to March 18th, if that's easier).  After a long battle with myself, I finally wrote here about how I was really doing.  Life was good -- job was good, LBH was good, church was getting better.  Despite this, I wanted something more.  Wanted someone to share it all with.  I wanted someone, but not just anyone, and because I am complicated, so was this situation.  "Just anyone" could never make me happy (at least for more than about a week, typically), and so -- I would rather walk on my own.  But it ached a little.

I have to say that I felt so stupid writing this post.  Just what the internet needs.  Another whiney post about someone being single.  I felt so ridiculous and stupid, but I had to get the thoughts out.

Little did I know that six hours away, there was a guy sitting as his keyboard racking his brains and wrestling with words trying to come up with the right things to say in response to what he'd read that night.  He would type, backspace, type, backspace, walk away, come back, hit save, walk away, come back, backspace and type some more, and eventually take a deep breath and hit send.

Although I have the thing memorized word for word, I've read it so many times, I'll try to just give you the gist.  There was more to it, but here's what got my attention:  He told me that he'd liked me from the moment he'd met me.  Of course, I was dating someone at the time, and for him that meant I was completely off limits.  Being off-limits allowed him to get to know me solely as his friend.  He told me he was thankful for my friendship.  Time passed, and he said we'd both changed.  He remembered the time we'd talked on the phone months before, and how surprised he'd been that I swore.  (Sidenote -- The old me was way too concerned with trying to be perfect and earn my grace, so I'm sure this slip was a surprise).  He thought I would be the same, but I wasn't.

"It was unexpected and beautiful.  Look here, kiddo.  You're amazing.  I want you to know that you're amazing.  I'm on your side and I'm cheering for you..."

Little did he know that there I was, six hours away at my keyboard, with a tear or two about to spill out of my eyes.  I was blown away.

When I wrote him back, I didn't know at that point how deep this would end up going.  I just knew that I had to thank him for what he'd said, and that I wanted to make sure that this time there wasn't a pause in the conversation.  I had to know this guy.  I had to hear his stories.  I had to try to understand the heart behind such brave words.

This next part is a bit of a blur, because I don't know how it happened.  All I know is, I got totally knocked on my ass.  One moment, I was thanking him for comforting me at a time when I needed some comfort.  Not too much later, I am checking my email approximately every five seconds, hoping he's written me, hoping I've heard from him.  We typed miles during those weeks.  Your Life: Chapter One -- Childhood.  What's the best case scenario for your life this year?  What makes you happy?  What's the most beautiful thing you've heard/seen/experienced?  What?!  You play Johnny Cash's Hurt on repeat thirty times in a row, too?  I thought I was the only annoying person in the world who did that... 

I told him my fingers hurt and that maybe it would be fun to talk on the phone.  He promptly called me the next day as soon as I got home from work.  The conversation flowed just as easily as it had in type, except for with a lot less work and a lot more laughter.  Fifteen minutes in... his phone battery died.  I am so glad no one was here to hear the words that flew out of my mouth.  Panicked transfer back to typing... on chat for about two and a half hours.

He went to Boise for a week and the emails slowed slightly... I realized that I missed a whole lot more than just my pal Justin.  I realized that, whatever this was becoming, I really wanted it to grow.  I knew deep down that something was up.  There was a similarity of heart and mind and values and faith and humor that was unlike anything I'd ever found in someone before.

Levi called in the middle of all this, and I told him.  I will never forget the roar of laughter on the other end of the phone line.  "Well, that's just perfect."  More laughter.  He had to explain to me that he wasn't laughing at me, just laughing at how it fit, given our goofball personalities, the twisted sense of humor, and on the flip side, the depth in each of us.

Justin bought a new phone while he was in Boise visiting his friends (I laugh when I think of him reading the back of the box for battery life/talk time).  We promptly started abusing it the day he got home.  I haven't slept much in a week.  Three hours Monday night/morning.  Three hours Tuesday night/morning.  Telling story after story after story.  We don't have talks about "X" issue.  It all just kinda happens as we share details and moments and memories.

Five hours Wednesday night, which is almost my favorite because that's the night we 'fessed up.  That we couldn't stop smiling like idiots, much to the amusement of those who see us everyday.  That we'd already told half our friends how we felt.  That it's hard to concentrate on anything other than emails sent, letters mailed and words said.  We talked about what we're looking for in that person.  What we value.  What we would want someone to value in us.  Then, he told me how he feels about me.  Specifically.  What he loves about me, how he's amazed by me... on and on and on, so much so that I can't even capture it all in my memory.  Too much to hold.  I'm so used to having to hang on to this one nice thing that someone said, and with Justin, I'm mad because I can't even remember it all.  I need a tape recorder.

I was right there with him.  Said so.  I can't pinpoint the exact moment, but I think I was in my car driving to work one morning and I just realized that here, in this friend I'd known a good chunk of my life, was exactly what I wanted.  And then some.  Here in this friend who'd always cared about me was someone who gets me.  We talk and talk and talk, but not out of a need to explain.  We just get this huge kick out of hearing our thoughts come flying out of someone else's mouth.  It seriously weirds me out how much we share a brain.  I laugh so hard.   

The only reason that it's not my absolute favorite conversation is that Thursday night and then Friday night followed (another six hours combined).  Each day, I feel more and more that I have no idea what I ever did without him.

Here's the deal: I never thought I could have this.  Never.  I never thought there was another person on the planet that thought the way I did about my relationship with Jesus, about what's important in life, about how genius Johnny Cash is and how deeply U2 songs shake my bones.  I never knew there was a person who could possibly understand how much open honesty and authenticity and grace matter to me.  Who would be able to say, out loud, words that move me and stretch me and encourage me.  Who is so stinking humble that I want to make it my personal mission to every day remind him of how incredible he is.  Who isn't scared of the fact that I am oftentimes messy and unfinished, rather -- he likes me most in those moments and says that he admires how brave I am in living them.  Who tells me the truth even when it may cost him.  Who for some crazy reason considers the highlight of his day when he gets to hear my voice.  (And he's heard it for about twenty hours this week, so that's saying something).

Beyond that, I'm not sure I ever really thought I deserved it.  I always tried so hard to, but I never truly believed that I could expect to find such kindness and grace and tenderness in a person.  And here, I don't have to try at all, I'm fully my goofy, way-too-talkative self, and I'm told every day how cherished I am.  What a blessing I am.  How unexpected I am.  (Favorite question of his: "Where did you come from?")

I wonder why I ever bothered before.  I really do.  Nothing compares.  Not even remotely.

I could go on and on.  I really could.  I do.  Be glad you're not hearing this story in person, because I'm not sure everyone has at least a couple hours (Julie has had the time available, for which I am most grateful and indebted to her forever).

Bottom line -- everything that came before, everything you ever read here about the times my heart got broken, about the seasons where I felt alone, about the times I wondered what on earth God was doing with my story -- ALL SO WORTH IT.  It all brought me here to this point. 

It is beautiful, and comfortable, and sweet, and nothing short of miraculous.  It is home.

Justin... I just can't wait.  This is going to be rad!!  Thank you for being your amazing self & caring about me the way you do.  I'll do my best to one-up you, although I'm fairly certain you've won these last several rounds.  :)