square peg, round hole

So, hi.  Me again.  After quite the hiatus this past several several months, I think I need to be writing on a slightly more regular basis again.  I'm sure it won't be anywhere near the amount of words I used to produce, but this is probably all for the best.  My goal?  To purge my oft-overwrought little brain via typing at least once a week.

J and I were talking this morning, and he had this wonderful bit of insight: "I think you might be like me that way.  If you're not writing, you go to a dark place."

Justin will often say that he has a lot to learn about being a husband, but the truth is that when it comes to being a husband to me, he's got a whole lot more figured out that he realizes.  In many things, he knows what's best for me even when I haven't quite come around yet, and while this sometimes drives me crazy, I'm glad for it.  Then again, I have my ways of helping too, i.e., "Justin, I know there was an extra hamburger patty left on the Foreman, but we both know you're going to regret making that a triple-decker.  Eat that much beef, and I'm pretty sure you're going to be quite ill in about an hour."  (Justin meekly removes the third patty from his already-huge burger and sits down with me to watch Discovery Channel over dinner).

Ah, the glories of married life.

In this no writing = dark place thing, he's right.  We're doing awesome.  Seriously, truly, we're still living the wonder that is the honeymoon phase, which we hope to continue for, oh, I don't know, about seventy years.  I LOVE being married to this man.  But life has a way of trying to balance things out.  You know.  Not TOO much ridiculous happiness, or you'll seriously start to annoy pretty much every person within a five-mile radius of you.

I'm going through one of those I-don't-really-fit-well-anywhere seasons.  They aren't rare for me.  I can be friend-LY with just about anyone, and find a certain amount of enjoyment even in that.  But true friendship, real relationship, proves a bit elusive.  I'm an odd breed.  Fortunately, Justin is a similar kind of rare breed, so we get on very well.  I'm blessed in this regard.  I may be lonely for friendship at times, but I'm never in want of love and devotion from my husband, my closest of friends.

I had a gut feeling that building relationships with people was different when you're married, and I was right.  Friendships that I developed when I lived up here in Bellingham before -- our group of girls that hung out constantly -- well, we've all changed in the past few years.  Mainly, we've all gotten married and moved on.  "Getting together for coffee" is always somewhere on the horizon's agenda, but the truth is, we aren't really sure if we're all that interested in making it happen.  We're busy.  We're different.  It's a little awkward for reasons no one can pinpoint, truth be told.

Justin and I go to a small group from church with three other couples, and it's good, but I know it will be a fight for me to continue going until I'm comfortable.  I struggle not to be stand-offish sometimes, which doesn't exactly help me in my quest to make friends.  I never was very good at developing friendships with other girls, being far more comfortable as the token girl with a bunch of guy friends.  Either that, or the friends I did make were non-girly girls.  It's a little different when it's a group of married folks and we all split off by gender.  I'm a bit afraid that at any moment someone is going to suggest a scrapbooking party.  I know that there is potential for deeper connection, that we probably have more in common than simply being Mrs.'s, but I have a hard time letting my guard down.

This probably has more to do with the fact that it's a group of church people than anything.  My mentor/pastor, Dan, had a moment of clarity when were gabbing away at Hot Shots Coffee a while back.  He said that ever since everything happened with my internship and I spent time away from ministry-world, I prefer to stay just off the radar.... I like to submerge for a while and disappear when I'm feeling out of place.  

He's probably right.  I found out very quickly that I preferred to keep my guard up, rather than letting myself need all that approval again.

(I miss Daniel.  He understood Justin in general and me in particular in a way that few do, especially as regards our faith and our struggles to make it authentic.  I would kill for a coffee date, I really would).

The truth is that I'm just not sure how much I can truthfully share.  I am a messy Christian these days.  I admit it's not easy for me to be a part of Christian community.  I see who I used to be all over the place, and sometimes, I don't like what I see. 

Insider, "Christianese" language that I used to speak so freely now openly grates on my nerves.  I wonder if any of us even know what we mean anymore.  I'm quite sure that outsiders don't.  A month or so ago some folks sitting behind us in church were being extremely demonstrative and loudly displaying their speaking-in-tongues prowess during the musical worship time.  They may have been genuine, but I was so uncomfortable, I was fighting tears a good chunk of the service.  I was so irritated that I found myself unable to turn around and shake hands during the meet and greet.  I sat there, angry, arms crossed, shaken to find the world I've tried so hard to get away from sitting right behind me.  I also found myself shaken at how ungracious I can be toward people who love Jesus just like I do -- how judgmental and arrogant and self-righteous I can be in my own frustration.  It's amazing how things you used to say and do all the time can bother you so much.

Other than this incident, however, I've found the church a very safe place.  The pastor's messages are disarmingly authentic and personal, and we've very nearly found a home.  In a moment of courage or weakness, I'm not sure which, I met with the worship pastor about possibly being a part of their worship ministry there.  I didn't want there to be any surprises, so I told him what I basically wrote above, and he seemed very accepting of me where I'm at and not at all afraid of having a messy Christian involved with his ministry.  He encouraged me to "be curious about how God can use the messy parts of your life."  It was well put, and it has stuck with me ever since.

But, OH!  How I am going to struggle if I am going to stay with it.  In one arena, I was a part of a discussion about outreach, possibly in bars, and I wanted to flee the building. 

Rather than talking about how to effectively connect with people, I heard all about the depravity of people who were constantly in bars, how dark, how meaningless, how misled, how sick it all is, etc. etc. etc.  If there's anything I struggle with, it's this I'm-saved-so-life-is-great/you're-unsaved-so-how-meaningless-and-pathetic-your-life-must-be comparison.  I have a hard time when the comparison is on the differences in our behavior, not the difference of what it means to have Jesus in your heart. 

To be human is to experience darkness, depravity, meaninglessness, and lostness.  Period.  Following Christ is no fix-all for what we experience as human beings.  We're still who we are, even as we're being made more like Christ.  We still struggle.  We still are broken people getting put back together.  The difference is not our perfection, but the grace we've received through Christ, the hope we have of God working even in our messed-up-ness.  So to distinguish ourselves from the "lost" in their lostness rather than identifying with them seems, well, off.  Not only off, but extremely ineffective since it's nearly impossible to strike up a meaningful conversation when you're being condescending. 

And, of course, when you're looking around to make sure no one sees you in a bar.  (I struggled with whether or not to tell them I spent St. Patrick's Day evening in one, having a beer with "the lost" as they downed car bombs.)

So... this is the knot of jumbled thought in my mind these days.  Is it worth the struggle to be a former-insider-who-thinks-and-feels-more-like-an-outsider-who-wants-to-be-a-part-but-doesn't-want-to-go-back-to-being-an-insider?  Most days, I think yes.  The last few days, it's been back and forth.  It may sound dumb to wrestle over this, but man, have I been wrestling. 

If you pray, please pray for me.  I know some of this is brought on by my own standoffishness and stubbornness, but I'm a bit lonely and could use the encouragement of a kindred spirit or two.  Or, lots of phone calls from far-away kindreds.