daily bread, etc.

Ooh, boy, am I groggy.

To make sure I never get into a regular sleep pattern, my job switches me from a week of 5:30 or 6 am - noon shifts to a week of 2 pm -7:30 shifts.  Ack.  This is my afternoons week.  I always sleep too late and accomplish nothing at all til my shift starts.

I guess I should enjoy it while I can.  Soon, things are going to look quite different.

Right now I'm in that annoying place where you know a whole bunch of change is right around the corner, but you can't do a thing about it at present.  I know we'll be moving in approximately three weeks.  Can't pack yet.  I know we need to find an apartment.  Can't look in earnest until Saturday.  Our car is on its last legs, but we won't be ready to get a new(er) one til September, so we're hoping she lasts.  School starts at the end of September, and apart from the "oh-crap-I-haven't-done-this-in-four-years-what-was-I-thinking" type of thoughts, there are very real scheduling concerns.  It's a possibility that if things don't fall into place just so, J and I will have fully opposite schedules where he leaves for work at 5 am and I don't get home from my job until 8:30 pm, taking our classes at Western at different times, etc.  I'm not a fan of this arrangement.

I know that in all honesty, most likely things will work out just fine, with little adjustments here and there.  But still, it seems I'd rather worry than trust.  I like to have all the details nailed down, and when I can't secure them, I feel all out of sorts and get overwhelmed easily.

I was talking with a girl at work last week about training into that new position at work.  She dragged her heels big-time at having to stick people in the arm, and really had to be pushed to take on the new role.  I asked her whether she liked it now (she does).  But she said she really prayed about it hard.  She prayed that God would steady her hands, that he would help her remember what to do.  A few months later, she looks like a pro out there.

It was just an off-hand comment made by someone who is much better than I am at speaking of God openly.  (She's also much better than most at being sincere when she says it).  But her words stuck with me.  I wrote her a little note and thanked her for reminding me that God even cares about little things like us learning to put a needle in the right vein.

*****

In letting go of "youth group" faith, I let go of a lot of the emotionalism, much of the spiritual superstition that I had long believed was part of being an "on-fire Christian."  (I chuckle to myself here at my keyboard as I wonder what this sounds like to an outsider.  What a poor choice of words.  An on-fire Christian is a horrific thought.  Stop, drop and roll, etc.). 

Faith has become much simpler, and much more complicated at the same time.  I don't miss thinking that if I could just get things a little more together, God would be more happy with me.  I don't miss looking for all these mysterious signs that I was doing God's will for me, forever fearing that I might not be.  I don't miss being in The Club, saying all the right spiritual words and having all the expected things to say right there in my pocket.  I don't miss trying to please everybody with a spiritual title, thinking that somehow that was pleasing to God. 

I do, however, miss the constant (even if sometimes misdirected) awareness of God that came from having so many of my activities centered around "church stuff."  I miss having him on my heart, praying in the car for opportunities to show grace that day.  I miss turning to him first when I have a need, rather than simply worrying for weeks at a time until I remember God, until I finally think to pray.  (Most of the time, it's Justin who prays first, which always humbles me).

Letting new faith grow where the ashes of my youth group faith still lie and smolder-- that has not been easy.  I don't want to go back to the Christian I used to be, but I've been hesitant and scared to do the hard work of figuring out how, exactly, to follow Christ in the here and now.  It's been... awkward.  Halting at best.  Immobile at worst.  I've never felt less good at being a Christian.

I don't know exactly what to do with that, but there.  At least I've said it.

*****

Give us this day our daily bread.  Today I remind myself that God knows my heart.  He knows my needs, he sees beyond today's concerns, and he is incredibly faithful.  I remind myself that he actually cares about little things like finding a good place to live and having time together to play and rest.  Even though the words feel painfully awkward, I pray for help.  I pray for guidance.  I pray to be a blessing.

Regarding our little family, he cared enough to bring the two of us together -- I'm sure he's not going to leave us on our own now.  He will provide what we need when we need it (and, I remind myself, he gets to decide).

If I can keep this in mind all day today (or even five minutes into my shift), it will be a miracle.  But I'm going to try for at least 51%.