Okay, so here's what was meant to happen on that last post.
Justin and I were fairly busy last week -- he was finishing up his last week of training at the call center, and I am training into a new position at work. "Phlebotomist: -noun. 1. a specialist in phlebotomy. 2. a nurse or other health worker trained in drawing venous blood for testing or donation." I had never heard this word before I went to work at the plasma donation center. And now I'm going to be poking people in the arm. Scary. People really like it when I tell them I'm an English major. Makes them feel safe, somehow, like they're in truly proficient hands.
Anyway, we took it real easy yesterday and had some great conversations throughout the day.
One thing we've done ever since we've been married is that we do little checks on what our pre-marital counseling literature called "The Love Tank." Basically it's just a little way to check in with each other and make sure we're both feeling loved and nurtured, that things going on inside the other person are okay. Sometimes we have a rough day and need to take some time to refill some of what that conflict consumed -- to reassure each other, to be tender. Sometimes even a force outside the marriage can take its toll -- a bad day or week at work, conflict in another relationship, etc. -- but it's still good to know if you're partner is feeling down or depleted, because then you can make an even stronger effort to bolster them up.
I know. It's a little silly. We laughed too. But we use it more often than not as a way to open up the conversation.
We were having the Love Tank talk last night, and after a day of slowing down and curling up together, we were doing great, but I asked Justin if there were any things that I could do differently, things that he wished looked different in our marriage.
This, and I don't misquote him in the slightest, was his response: "No, not really. I mean, you watch entire football games with me now, and you're even doing a fantasy football team this year, which is above and beyond and not even what I expected from you. No, we're good."
WHAT?
Seriously, if I could change one thing about myself, it's that I respond emotionally when first presented with difficult information. Translation for the layperson: I get a little pissed off about stupid things and it takes me a moment to return to being what J calls "a reasonable human being." I was assuming this would be the area of growth he would want from me.
Nope. I can keep my brief outbursts of feisty. If I'm watching football with him once a week, we're good.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I laughed hard for a few minutes and had to regain my breath before we resumed our conversation.
If ever I needed a more perfect picture of my sometimes-cluelessness as to what Justin wants and needs from me, I couldn't do better than this.
Who knew that the secret to happiness in marriage was to watch the NFL?
Okay. In no particular order, here's my little list of some of the things I've learned/am learning to be for my husband. I write it as much as a reminder for myself as I write it for the five people who may or may not stop by today.
Buddy
People have laughed at the fact that Justin's favorite pet name for me is Buddy, but it's the truth. He needs a playmate in me. This means sharing time together, but it also means sharing interests. You should see the look on this kid's face when he catches me reading football news on the net. He brags at work that his wife is doing a fantasy football league with him. When I remember the name of a coach or a person's position or what is going on with a particular player (Michael Vick has been a gold mine for me), it is like screaming a big huge "I LOVE YOU!!!" to him. This blows my mind, but it's true.
When I really think about it, it shouldn't be surprising. Justin and his dad used to watch football together when he was little, and his dad passed away several years ago. He and his closest friends have been in a league together for over seven years, and never stay in such good contact with each other as much as during football season. Each year, their draft is a big deal and they almost all make the trip out to see each other.
Simply put, this is something sacred. I would never have developed an interest or understanding of football on my own, but by making this sacred for me too, I've allowed something my husband loves to be something we share together. There's a limit, of course -- I'm usually only good for one full game in a given day -- but by welcoming football rather than treating it as competition for Justin's time, I win. I've actually grown to like it quite a bit since I understand the game more, and by taking an active interest in the game, I've told Justin that what's important to him is important to me. That, and I get to sit with Justin when a bunch of us watch the game, rather than having to hang out in the other room with all the girls, talking about scrapbooking or puppies or some such nonsense.
This principle applies when it comes to playing Texas Hold'em online together, visiting his friends, watching movies together, etc. (And in return, he's not afraid to play some Scrabble or watch a little Pride and Prejudice with me, either.) The point is, when we're not at work, 99% of the time, we're playing somewhere together. Or, occasionally, doing something useful around the house. But mostly just playing together, cracking slightly inappropriate jokes, laughing.
Lover
No worries, I'm not going to get graphic here. But I would be remiss if this wasn't on the list somewhere near the top! This is a topic I'm fairly passionate about, because I know this is an area wives tend to screw up a lot. Husbands do too, but they're known for it, and it's allowed us women to sneak under the radar without being called on our baloney.
Here's the deal. Somewhere in Justin's vows, between promising to help me keep track of my glasses and keys, and loving me fiercely all the days of his life, Justin promised to be loyal to me. He promised to be faithful. What no one ever says out loud, but what I thankfully knew when I signed up for this is -- his promise means I have a big responsibility. He promised to meet his needs physically with me only. All the other needs -- emotionally, relationally, recreationally -- although I'm meant to be a large part of meeting them, other people play into them as well. But this one area, that's the need only I can meet. The brutal truth is, if I don't meet that need, it doesn't get met. That's a huge responsibility on my part. That's a huge amount of trust on his part.
Wives usually are all about meeting their man's needs emotionally and relationally, but what they don't always realize is that, if their husband's needs are not being met physically, there will be damage emotionally and relationally. It makes me sad to hear of men who are made to feel guilty for needs that are legitimate and healthy, when they are trying to meet them in a healthy and legitimate way -- with their wives. It frustrates me to hear men degraded as sex-fiends just as much as it pains me to hear women put down as needy and over-emotional. It's stupid and cruel, to put someone down for their needs rather than being concerned and intentional about meeting them as much as you can.
I hear stories. I never want it to be Justin's story. Or mine, for that matter. For this reason, this topic is not off-limits when we're checking up on the state of our marriage. And for this reason, I decided that when I married him, I was committed to not only taking on this need, but to doing my best to bless him in it.
So, we're figuring out what works. For us, that means we compromise and are really gracious with each other. In wanting to meet his needs, I've made the choice to cheerfully show up for Team Lawlis even if sex wasn't top of my list at that given moment. (Justin is realistic and doesn't have skyrocketing expectations when this is the case). Recognizing my need for 8-9 hours of rest, when I'm super sleepy and the kitchen's closed, he's totally okay. When timing and desire aligns, we make the most of it. :) Good times.
(Hopefully I did okay there... I know this is a hard topic to talk about).
Partner
Not boss. Not manager. Partner.
This one is pretty simple in principle, although it gave me fits in the beginning.
--If I want help from Justin, I ask for it. I don't nag him, although I do ask him to write it down if he's been busy and it's been forgotten a few times. I don't assume he knows what I want from him when it comes to helping out around the house. I simply ask or leave a note, and most of the time, he jumps right on it. It is SO nice.
--When he takes something on, I don't go behind him and tell him the few spots that he missed. I hate when people do that to me, so I try my best to avoid it, although I'm sure I've been critical before. It may not be exactly as clean as if I'd done it, but it's still cleaner than it was, and that's something to celebrate.
--I take into account that he does things that I don't do. He mows the lawn, he takes out the trash, he works on our piece-of-crap cars. Sometimes I mow the lawn so he doesn't have to. (The cars, he's still stuck with). But I realize that there will be things I'll need to cover so he has time to do that outside manly stuff that he's so good at taking care of.
--Most of all, I let him know that I notice he folded that load of laundry, or that he did the dishes before I got home from work. (In fact, if I forget to say something, he asks about it to make sure I know he thought of me while I was gone: "Did you see that I got the dishes done for you?" It's adorable). Every man wants to know he's appreciated, that the things that he does matter. I'm sure there's things he'd rather do than vacuum the living room right before company arrives. But every time, he's there.
Cheerleader
This one is probably my favorite one.
Justin is not impersonal. He's always making people laugh, always saying some off-the-wall random thing that people weren't expecting. Alternately, he's always wearing some off-the-wall random shirt that people weren't expecting. He plays well with others, is confident. Is quick to make friends, or at least to make acquaintances who consider themselves friends.
I get to be a part of that world, and I really enjoy it. I never laugh so much as when I'm hanging out with J.
But there's another side of Justin that the world "out there" isn't a part of. A vulnerable side that only a few see, and that I see most of all. I get to be there when he's having a rough day. I get to be there when he's feeling discouraged or worried. I get to be there when he's having trouble sleeping or when a nightmare has intruded on his dreams. I get to be the one to say, "You're doing great." "Way to go, babe!" "Things will be okay." "I'm really proud of you." "Set your mind at ease." "Will a back scratch help?"
I get to be the one to see the look on his face when I slow down and tell him how much I love him. And why.
Other than being a Buddy, this is my favorite part of being a wife. Just as his words mean the world to me, mine have tremendous power with him, and it's fun watching how much happiness they bring him when I just take the time to say 'em out loud. I seriously had no idea how much of an effect they would have.
My words of praise probably mean the most. I'm learning to be liberal with them, to catch him doing things right. It's not real hard. :)
*****
These are pretty "duh" offerings, I know. No rocket science here. But these are the things I'm learning as a newbie wife.
These are the ways I'm keeping my vows the best that I know how.
Justin,
I am so happy to be standing here with you today. You are more than I even knew to ask God for -- the answer to countless prayers. I hope you know, not only here in this moment, but always, what a joy you are to me. I love you and I choose you today with my whole heart. I'll always choose you.
I promise to be your buddy, your lover and your companion all the days of my life. In the big moments as well as small, uneventful ones, I promise to be by your side. When you're cracking jokes and goofing off, I'll be the one laughing a little too loudly at all your craziness. When you're watching movies, I'll be the one curled up beside you on the couch, trying to garner just a few more movie quotes. Whether your football team is winning or losing, I promise to cheer along with you... at least, on most Sundays. On all those trips to Starbucks, I'll gladly ride shotgun.
I promise to cheer for you relentlessly and to cherish your dreams as if they were mine. When you succeed and those around you applaud, I'll be the one cheering loudest, a huge proud grin on my face. In seasons of struggle, I will believe in you -- sometimes enough for both of us. I'll always be there to listen and offer words and arms of comfort. When you fail, even when you let me down, I promise to choose to see the best in you. In moments when circumstances bring out the less-than-lovely in us, I promise to be quick to say I'm sorry and quick to forgive. I will always be truthful with you.
No matter what comes our way, I promise I will fight for you, and will fight for these promises we've made. I will be faithful to you not only in body, but in my heart and mind as well. What's ours is sacred and I will guard it as the precious thing it is.
Justin, I love you. I'll love you my whole life. Thank you for loving me and making my life so sweet.
(In case you're wondering, no, I didn't make it through these vows without crying. I am a wimp).
Congtrats on the new job!!
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