talking about doubt

I received an email from a pastor today asking if I'm a worship leader.  He's looking for one at his church down in California.

Hmmm.

It's weird when the old world and the new world collide like that.  Whatever the old world and new are, I suppose.  They blend together in ways that are hard to define with any clarity.  I just know the Christian I was yesterday would be scandalized at meeting me today.

I know I've been fairly silent on the subject of faith lately.  It used to be what made writing here so enjoyable for me, and also what helped me find so many connections with others I felt were similar somehow.  Now, when it comes to faith, I feel like I don't have anything valuable to say.  Doubt -- now that, I can talk about.  But most days I feel too ashamed.

I once was on a path toward full-time ministry.  Sprouting wings seems more likely these days.

I haven't stopped praying, not yet -- but most of the time I really wonder if there's anyone on the other end of all those words.  My husband has had to take over our nightly moments of prayer, because I just can't do it, at least not right now.  Even The Lord's Prayer is too hard to get through.

(There.  I've said it.  I guess today is a day in which I'm not too ashamed to be honest for once).

Justin says that a similar thing happened in his own life several years ago.  There was what he called a "stripping down" of his faith to nearly nothing, to the point where he wondered if it might be dead or gone completely.  A stripping down of all the traditions, all the usual arguments, all the "American Christianity" we've both grown up with -- til he felt like it was just him and God.  Then, piece by piece, his faith was restored.  It was nothing impressive compared to the stalwart, certain-of-everything Christian he was before; it was more messy, more shaky... but at least it was his own.  He seems to think that things will resolve themselves with time, and is so supportive and understanding of where I'm at right now, it's ridiculous.

(I find myself thankful at the moment that I'm not in ministry currently, and that I'm not married to anyone in ministry.  Could you imagine what hot water I'd be in if my job or my marriage depended on being certain of all this?)

I take hope in Justin's words, but for me, there's a fear hand-in-hand with them: what if things are stripped down to the point where there's nothing left?  What if there's never a point where I'm able to make the leaps that traditional Christianity seems to be asking of me, where I'm able to be at peace rather than be nagged by what seem to be great contradictions?  (i.e. God's great judgments and killing sprees in the Old Testament vs. God-is-Love in the New Testament; the Church's treatment of homosexuals; end-times prophecy, etc.).  I've never really had a problem with Jesus -- the Virgin Birth and the Atonement of Sins and the Resurrection are not huge problems for me.  Grace still seems to make sense.  It's some of the other stuff that throws me, now that I haven't been indoctrinating myself with it each Sunday.  If there's anything that has been drilled into me, though, it's that faith has to be swallowed whole to count.  I don't know if I can do that.

I can't help but feel like I'm letting God down somehow, that this need to better understand things comes across as impertinence or something.  I don't mean to sound like I expect to be able to fully comprehend Truth in order to try to live by it.  I guess I just don't want to live out my faith in bad faith, that's all.  And to continue without at least admitting that troubling questions exist for me would be to live in bad faith.

So.  That's where I'm at these days.  Anyone been there?  Shoot me an email, we'll talk.

I’m not dead yet!

Happy Thanksgiving Eve! 

Rawr!!!  I've had the rottenest cold/sinus infection this week!  Finally am up on the upswing, thanks to lots of Tylenol and Amoxicillin.  Yay for being able to breathe through my nose!  (This is my major accomplishment, in a week where I needed to be writing several papers.  Thanks to hours upon hours of sleep, I can now breathe through not one, but both nostrils.  Wait... yeah, both nostrils still).

I've called in sick to work for the past two days.  I never call in sick without actually being sick, but I always feel guilty nonetheless.  Does anyone else have this problem?  For once, however, I wasn't all that worried about it.  I know I sounded like Death Itself when I called in, so I didn't worry about them assuming I was trying to head out early for Thanksgiving.

As it is, we actually decided to stay home for Thanksgiving rather than driving down to Poulsbo so I could finish getting better (and so we could both catch back up on our sleep... I kept *someone* up for the last few nights with my coughing).  I was a little bummed, because it would be fun to see my folks and then Justin's family for the meal, but now that I'm resigned to staying home, I kind of like the idea of bucking the system, going out for some Chinese food, and cozying up to watch some football in our living room.  And... probably playing the Wii for a while.

I felt like we should at least have a little Thanksgiving food when we went to the grocery store a while ago, which ended up with some random choices.  We have... a chocolate pie and some sparkling cider.  Impressive.

Anyhow, I hope this finds each of you celebrating the many things you have to be thankful for, with people you're thankful for.  We'll be down at the Panda Palace, eating General Tso's Chicken.  Good times indeed.

hot sauce and other adventures

We had a great time in Leavenworth!  Unfortunately, we missed what ended up being a pretty sweet windstorm here in Bellingham, but I'm sure we will survive the loss somehow.  As it happened, we had lovely clear weather our whole trip.  It was cold, but sunshiney.  It was fun to play for a few days, and to celebrate our first year together.

In case any of you should happen to visit the above-mentioned Bavarian village, and you happen to go into a shop called A Matter of Taste -- do not, I repeat, DO NOT, try the 357 Mad Dog Hot Sauce.  It tastes like burning.



You can't see it in the pic, but they advise you not to try this if you have respiratory problems.

I hesitated, walked around the shop to stall a bit, and finally had to prove my stupidity.  I'm bad at backing down from these kinds of things.  Tiny drop on the end of a pretzel.  Nothing big, right?  I said to Justin, "Meh.  It's not all that bad."

Ten seconds later...

Eyes watering, nose running, skin flushed red, sweating, etc.  Ten minutes later, the cheese shop next door caught me using their handwashing sink to shovel water in my face.  "Ah.  Tried the hot sauce?"

I think Justin married me mostly for the amusement factor.  He gets to watch all this.

In school news, I'm officially a Creative Writing major... finally.  And, I got my first A in five years yesterday, so I'm feeling encouraged.  We have about four weeks left in the quarter, and I'm throwing myself into it hard, trying to stay on top of everything.  My motto for this next few quarters:  Die trying.  Yes.  These papers scare the shit out of me.  Yes.  I'm afraid of failure.  I'm going to do it anyway.  (I may need to go back and read this soon, when I get some other papers back, so I'm putting it out there, out loud).

Anyway, hope you all are doing well and drinking lots of coffee.  More soon.

Year one: Nailed it!

Howdy.

So has anyone else noticed that Christmas started the day after Halloween this year?

I'm a little creeped out.

There are some people who are slight grinches -- Justin -- who complain about Christmas starting up the day after Thanksgiving, but I think that works ok.  Seeing Starbucks employees in their "Spread the Cheer" shirts and seeing the Santa display up in the mall the first day of November seems a little excessive, however.  The way things are going, ten years from now, we'll begin Christmas decorating sometime in August.

Hey!  It's our first anniversary tomorrow!  I can't believe it snuck by so quickly, although I guess it's not suprising, given work and school and a few moves tossed into the mix.  It's been pretty amazing... one year later, I'm still blinking in astonishment, wondering how this became my life.  I am blessed to have the husband I do, and the past 365 days -- with all the ups and downs that naturally accompany them -- have only served to make me more certain of it. 

Everyone said before we got married that the first year is the toughest, and although there was a learning curve to figuring out how to live together (like learning to put the condiments away)... I think I spent more time laughing than anything.  There were so many times it felt like we were just goofy kids masquerading as grown-ups by occasionally doing responsible things like paying bills and going to work.  The rest of the time?  We played.  Whether it was watching the Seahawks lose, playing laser hockey on the Wii, watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of the Office, or playing online poker -- we played.  It's had to be cut back some since school started, but still, we play. 

There were times I cried too -- I've always done that when I am overwhelmed -- but even in that I experienced a deep-seated joy -- that of being loved and understood when you can't be at your best.  There's nothing like someone pulling you close and holding you there even though you are a red-faced mess of snot and tears.  There's nothing like consistently having someone in your corner, cheering you on.

It's been good.  I'm a lucky girl.  I know one year is no big deal in light of folks that have been married fifty years and head to Starbucks and still sit there holding hands (Justin and I got to know this couple when I was a barista)... but this first year fills me with hope that the best stuff is still ahead of us. 

Justin planned a trip for us this weekend... we're headed to the lovely "Bavarian" village of Leavenworth.  And -- just like in Whistler on our honeymoon, it's supposed to start snowing the first night we're there!  I don't think I can express how cool that is.  To me, all the world is magic when there's snow falling.  And there's nothing funnier than one or both of us totally biting it on some ice, falling down in one big clumsy heap.  Heh heh.