talking about doubt

I received an email from a pastor today asking if I'm a worship leader.  He's looking for one at his church down in California.

Hmmm.

It's weird when the old world and the new world collide like that.  Whatever the old world and new are, I suppose.  They blend together in ways that are hard to define with any clarity.  I just know the Christian I was yesterday would be scandalized at meeting me today.

I know I've been fairly silent on the subject of faith lately.  It used to be what made writing here so enjoyable for me, and also what helped me find so many connections with others I felt were similar somehow.  Now, when it comes to faith, I feel like I don't have anything valuable to say.  Doubt -- now that, I can talk about.  But most days I feel too ashamed.

I once was on a path toward full-time ministry.  Sprouting wings seems more likely these days.

I haven't stopped praying, not yet -- but most of the time I really wonder if there's anyone on the other end of all those words.  My husband has had to take over our nightly moments of prayer, because I just can't do it, at least not right now.  Even The Lord's Prayer is too hard to get through.

(There.  I've said it.  I guess today is a day in which I'm not too ashamed to be honest for once).

Justin says that a similar thing happened in his own life several years ago.  There was what he called a "stripping down" of his faith to nearly nothing, to the point where he wondered if it might be dead or gone completely.  A stripping down of all the traditions, all the usual arguments, all the "American Christianity" we've both grown up with -- til he felt like it was just him and God.  Then, piece by piece, his faith was restored.  It was nothing impressive compared to the stalwart, certain-of-everything Christian he was before; it was more messy, more shaky... but at least it was his own.  He seems to think that things will resolve themselves with time, and is so supportive and understanding of where I'm at right now, it's ridiculous.

(I find myself thankful at the moment that I'm not in ministry currently, and that I'm not married to anyone in ministry.  Could you imagine what hot water I'd be in if my job or my marriage depended on being certain of all this?)

I take hope in Justin's words, but for me, there's a fear hand-in-hand with them: what if things are stripped down to the point where there's nothing left?  What if there's never a point where I'm able to make the leaps that traditional Christianity seems to be asking of me, where I'm able to be at peace rather than be nagged by what seem to be great contradictions?  (i.e. God's great judgments and killing sprees in the Old Testament vs. God-is-Love in the New Testament; the Church's treatment of homosexuals; end-times prophecy, etc.).  I've never really had a problem with Jesus -- the Virgin Birth and the Atonement of Sins and the Resurrection are not huge problems for me.  Grace still seems to make sense.  It's some of the other stuff that throws me, now that I haven't been indoctrinating myself with it each Sunday.  If there's anything that has been drilled into me, though, it's that faith has to be swallowed whole to count.  I don't know if I can do that.

I can't help but feel like I'm letting God down somehow, that this need to better understand things comes across as impertinence or something.  I don't mean to sound like I expect to be able to fully comprehend Truth in order to try to live by it.  I guess I just don't want to live out my faith in bad faith, that's all.  And to continue without at least admitting that troubling questions exist for me would be to live in bad faith.

So.  That's where I'm at these days.  Anyone been there?  Shoot me an email, we'll talk.