2009: The Rundown

By the numbers:

Trips to the emergency room: 1

Medical personnel who laughed when told the reason for our visit was a potato-peeler injury: 5



Moves: 0, though we're hoping...

Weddings: 2, one as family member, one as 2nd photog

Quarters of school attended: 1

Diplomas earned: 2



Total years in search of a degree: 12

Candles on the shared Lawlis birthday cake this year: 29

Justin's raquetball wins: 100%

Photographs taken: oh, thousands



Writer's Conferences attended: 1

Seahawks Games attended: 2



Moments of sheer agony this season: 98.2% of the time the Hawks played

Fantasy football leagues: 2 per person

Cash winnings: $180 (Justin's)

Additions to the "family": 1 (Welcome baby Isaac!)



Teepees slept in: 1

Home-businesses launched: 1

Number of Macs purchased: 2

Hours spent in front of those Macs: LOTS

Highlights:

Another loved-up year married to my buddy.  It gets better and better.

And we're getting better at it.  This is good.



Learning to let go of troubling relationships while pulling the good ones closer.  Realizing I have a choice.

Learning to make bread.  And crepes.

Graduation.  Finally.

Riding our bikes around Bellingham.

Relief that my Dad wouldn't need big, scary heart surgery.  (Heart function is continuing to improve!)

Extra time spent with the fam.

Getting a poem published.

Dates at Boulevard Park.



Lawlis Creative & my cool clients.

The Oxford's escaping Boise and getting back to Seattle, where they belong.

Watching my friends' beautiful sons, Drew & Isaac, grow.



Camping in The Blues with the Palooza Crew.  And the Bacon Blast.



Attending the Port Townsend Writer's Conference with Justin.



U2 Concert in Vancouver.

Dear Friend Daniel.  In our home for an evening.  Mocking/scoffing.

Halloween at our house.



Making the playoffs in our big fantasy football league.

Watching The League.

Ocean Shores for our 3rd anniversary.



Turkey-palooza (Thanksgiving with friends in Monroe).

Corn maze & Christmas tree hunting with the LeBlanc's & the Lucaii.

The annual holiday coffee date with Julie, up from Bend.

Things I'm looking forward to in '10:

Being able to say '10 rather than oh-nine.  It's so much easier.

Turning 30, and having Justin join me in our 30's three days later.

Maui with my folks in April!



Living closer to friends and family.

Working full-time from home or any place with a wi-fi connection.

Being surprised.

* * *

Lots of love to you and your families... may you find plenty to be thankful for in '09 and in the year to come.

The semi-annual update

I like to say a little howdy every now and then just to be shocking and edgy!  Greetings to you faithful few who drop by now and then.  :)

Hard to believe, but J and I just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary in November... that went fast.  I love being married to J more than ever, and am acutely aware of how blessed I am to be married to such a man.  (Still the unabashed romantic in a world of cynics... shocker, right?)

It's an exciting time for Team Lawlis (no, we're not pregnant, I'll just get that out of the way now... though, among my friends, there HAS been something in the water lately, for sure).

Another kind of wondrous beginning (at least, to me): the creative studio I began in 2008 grew very quickly and I am joining the ranks of the self-employed in January.  I'm writing and photographing and designing up a storm, and it's a better fit than I could have dreamed for my little English-major self.

On a pure gut level, I LOVE my work.  What a feeling... I used to catch small glimpses of it, and now this "I'm-right-where-I-need-to-be" sense envelopes full weeks at a time.

The two women I've worked for at the chiropractic office have been tremendously supportive, and I couldn't have asked for a better transition.  We found a great new person to hire, and her training is going smoothly, which makes the process of moving on much easier.  My friends will be in good hands.

That said, it's a busy season even on top of the usual holiday rush.  I'm putting in lots of hours both places and I'm sure I'm drinking more coffee than is probably healthy these days.  But even in the midst of so much activity, so many tired days, I'm so thankful that I get to do this — that I have a husband who is behind me fully, that I have found a way for my passions to help support our little family, and that I've developed relationships with amazingly cool clients who keep coming back to me with new ideas and fun projects.

It's a blasty.

Anyone else out there work for themselves?  Any advice for a new entrepreneur?  Please share your insights!

Catching my breath. Almost.

Hooray for do-nothing Saturdays!

(Well, almost do-nothing.  I've got laundry going.  Still, not too bad).

So!  The conference.  Best thing I've ever done as far as writing goes.  I'm so thankful to those who made it happen for me -- Brenda, who offered me the scholarship in the first place.  Justin, who said he'd figure out a way to live without me for a week.  Erin, who let me have the time off work, though I've only worked for her since May.

First of all -- the location was gorgeous.  Here are a few pics I took my first morning.

today's sunset

my new favorite season

I blinked, and summer was over.

Cliché? Yes. Totally true? Also yes.

Students are making themselves at home up on Western's woodsy hill. They're flooding Target in search of fuzzy bean bag chairs and microwaves. They're standing in long lines around the periphery of the student bookstore, their arms filled with textbooks and highlighters. Classes begin tomorrow (as will the wave of swine flu, if last month's influx at Washington State University is any indication).

Me? I'm here at home. Still in pajamas. With not a single thought about courses, classroom locations or uncomfortable desk chairs.

Glory be.

I used to say that summer was my favorite time of year, but this was by default--for most of my life, it was the only season I had a break from school.

This autumn is a new sensation.  This is the first time since J and I were married that doesn't involve school for at least one of us. And though it takes everything in me not to compulsively buy an armload of school supplies (insert favorite You've Got Mail quote here regarding bouquets of sharpened pencils), I think I'm going to like this very much.

Our summer was fantastic and busy and stressful, in that way that seasons without a discernible rhythm can be. We hiked. We visited and had visitors. We camped with dear friends and lit off fiery bacon bombs. We spent a week writing and making friends with other writing nerds. We survived weddings. It's quite possible that we spent more weekends away from home than at-home. This was fun, but it also gave me an eye-twitch after a while.

Things aren't any less busy now that the leaves are turning crimson outside my window. My little business, Lawlis Creative (website coming soon), is growing steadily, and I'm never out of work to do. This is a blessing and a learning opportunity at the same time as I try to balance LC against my "real job" and spending time with my favorite person. The adjustment is worth it: I absolutely love this work (and I love getting to say that I'm USING MY ENGLISH DEGREE, THANKYOUVERYMUCH).

It's also football season. Major time suck when you're in two fantasy leagues with your even-more-fanatical husband.

(This is us at the season home opener last weekend.  See how hopeful we look?)
It's not that I'm less busy. I'm just home more, in my sanctuary, in my own element, which is a relief. The two of us are slowly settling into a new rhythm: married life without school and also without kids (sounds kind of ridiculously simple, right?). With the air starting to get colder, I'm already in baking/cooking mode, poring over new recipes. It's getting dark earlier. We read together in the evenings, or Justin games while I work/play in front of my Mac.

It's just cozy. And Justin and I are good at cozy. I yanked a scarf out of my closet for the first time yesterday, and sighed. We're mere weeks away from hot-chocolate & Scrabble tournaments.

I like it.

What's more, I'm taking it just slow enough to really savor it. Happy Autumn, everyone.

with a little help from my friends

Snapped all these photos as the group was, ahem, "assembling" for our official Campapalooza photo. I love these people and am happy to call them family, pretty much. What a crew.

Bacon Blast '09

I got to take our Flip video camera camping with us a few weeks ago, and put together a little clip using my new Mac (yay yay yay yay yay!). Enjoy this video of Feral Dan lighting off bacon bombs to celebrate the birth of our nation! He's quite the showman, as you'll see.

stuff that makes English majors giggle

I LOVE me some failblog. Makes me so happy in my heart. (Careful. You'll lose some time there.)


see more Fail Blog

and... we're up and running. kind of.

Pics have disappeared, and I have to reformat everything, but I think overall we're good. Please be patient while I figure out how to make this look purty again. Thanks!

OH -- and I lost my blogroll.  If you know you were previously on it, please help save my sanity and leave your blog address in my handy little comments section.  Thx.

Hello kids!

I am in the process of switching site hosting at the moment (and recuperating from bronchitis, as perfect timing would have it), so the old blog will disappear for a bit.

Hope to be back up sooner rather than later!  Wish me luck.  This stuff ain't for the meek.

altogether now... awwww...

This is so fun, I had to post it.

"Partly Cloudy" -- short film from Pixar

We'll be headed to see Up soon, for sure.

Great film you may have missed: Lars and the Real Girl

Besides the glory that was Star Trek, one of the happiest surprises of my movie-watching year had to be Lars and the Real Girl.  Yeah, I know the movie came out last year, but Netflix fiends have to share the films they enjoy too.

Side observation: there are few films that Focus Features puts out that I don't absolutely love.  Case in point: I can't wait for Away We Go to hit wide release.  (Yes, the film's marketing department decided to rip off Juno by using almost the exact same visual design elements -- we get it!  another pregnancy movie! -- but I nearly forgive them for that since it's written by Dave Eggers, and it stars John Krasinski.)



Ok.  Back to the film.  Basic idea: Lars, played by Ryan Gosling, is a young man who can't connect to the world around him.  He has a job, he goes to church each week, but outside the barest of painful communication with those around him, he's alone and prefers it that way.  His older brother, Gus, and sister-in-law, Karen (played flawlessly by Emily Mortimer) try their best to draw him out, nearly kidnapping him into dinner at their house next door, but he's painfully and obviously uncomfortable and escapes as quickly as possible.  They're thrilled when one day he announces he has a guest staying with him for a while, and asks if he can bring her to dinner.  Oh, and he just wants to mention that she's in a wheelchair, so he hopes they won't make her feel weird about it.

He brings Bianca to dinner, and things are a little awkward.



But what follows is this quirky film about pain and delusion and love and accepting people with all their messy hangups, even when they embarrass themselves... and you.

A few things I loved about it:

1.  Great casting.  Not everyone could pull off the vulnerability necessary to make Lars believable, but Gosling nailed it.  As I mentioned already, Emily Mortimer was fantastic as the sister-in-law, fierce and tenacious in her attempts to draw Lars out of himself.  And Paul Schneider (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford) as Gus is angry and guilty and the cynic we need him to be to allow us access into the film.

2.  Even though the story-line doesn't necessarily throw out huge plot twists (other than, you know, the sex-doll part), what surprises is the depth of feeling this film somehow produces.  Yeah, I'm a softy, so perhaps it's nothing to say that this story moved me.  But my Mr. also really enjoyed it, and we talked about it for a few days after.  It just had this air of grace about it that kept humming after the film ended.

3.  I remembered that we all have our delusions, and some of them we can't be talked out of.  Confronting a friend or loved one about hard-to-understand decisions or habits is admittedly difficult.  But it's much MUCH harder to simply stand by and be supportive/welcoming/accepting, knowing that we all let go when we're ready to and not a moment before (and definitely not because someone told us we need to).  Sometimes this is what love demands.

Anyway.  If you're so inclined, give it a watch.  Well worth it.

Stupid Youth Group Myth #378

The following statement, and all of its variations, make me want to scream:

"You have to be totally content as a single person before God will bring that right person into your life."




Never mind where I heard it not long ago (okay, it was Facebook)... but whenever I hear (or read) this kind of advice dispensed as gospel, I can't stop myself from throwing something out there in response.  In my church-land experience, there was no one to yell: "That's  a bunch of balogna!" so I'm overly apt to shoot it down now that I can.  (Enjoy the Jim Gaffigan link).

I'm no giant of faith or anything, and I don't know much, but I do know this: anytime we get caught up in believing religious equations -- if B, then C, where B=your actions, and C=God's predictable response -- we get ourselves into a lot of trouble.  Take the following gems:

--if you live a holy life, God will reward you with material wealth

--if you pray hard enough and live right, God will heal you/give you that job/keep your kids safe/make your marriage work

God-as-pop-machine is crap theology, but this is what we learned back in the day.  What's more, a lot of us still believe this idea because it played from the pulpit, over and over, until it started to seem like truth.  And it's heartbreaking -- because the flip side of that equation says, "If C didn't happen, well then -- you know who to blame."

When I was sixteen years old, a traveling preacher visited the church I grew up in.  He reputedly possessed "the gift of healing," so at the end of the service, I walked up to the front and asked him to pray for my back, which hurt for months following a rough spill down the stairs.  He prayed.  I came back the next night, and the man asked me if I felt better.  I truthfully said I was still in pain.  He and others stood in a circle, placing their hands on my head and back and beseeching God to heal me.  I tried to believe as hard as I could, tried to imagine that hot ache receding.  When I returned the third night, the healer repeated his question.  I answered honestly.  He didn't like my answer much, because he looked down at me and said, "Well, I've done my part, and God has done His part -- are you sure you've done your part?"  I blinked up at him, with no idea what to say.  I must not have believed hard enough.

Years passed before I bothered God about that kind of thing again.

...These days I hear similar things from dear, talented, creative, funny friends who want to be married, but aren't: "I just have to be completely content where I'm at before God will move me forward.  I must not be there yet."

Let me say first that there are really good, very practical reasons (not just in this particular area, but in all of life) to work hard at contentment and gratitude for the present season, the main reason being that you don't kill all your time wishing your circumstances were different, lounging around waiting for what comes next.  There are things I was able to do as a single person that I can't or don't do now... if I would have spent all my time whining about being single rather than just living my life (and only occasionally whining), I would have missed out on some really fun things (and I'd probably still be on my couch at the Little Blue House rather than married to Justin).

Yes, there are reasons.  But none of them have to do with arm-wrestling the Almighty into giving you what you want by pretending that you don't really want it, or by somehow attaining this level of perfection that would make you intolerably irritating to a very-human potential mate.

I can guess at what the reasons might be, but guess only.  I guess at what my own reasons probably were, and that's only hindsight -- imperfect at best.

-- It took time for me to know myself well enough that when Justin came along, my heart recognized the difference between what I found in him and what I'd vainly searched for in others.  There were a lot of times I thought that maybe what I was looking for simply didn't exist.  I'm happy to have been wrong.

-- Though not completely secure or self-confident at the time (still not), I was at least able to let Justin in on a more real me, messy parts and all.  I needed time to get to the place where I wasn't trying so hard to earn love or project a perfect image of myself.  This was another major difference: the times I felt most freakish, Justin just pulled me closer.  Still happens.

-- Probably more unique to me, my faith needed time to grow into itself, to grow big enough to allow questions and doubt and an entirely different perspective.  If I had my way early on, I'd probably be married to some spiky/messy-haired youth pastor, were he foolish enough to marry me, and I'd be miserable -- facing big, deep, scary questions on my own, or silently, or worse -- not asking them at all.  When Justin came along, it was almost spooky to hear my questions coming out of his mouth.  The conversation continues, and I'm never alone in it.

I needed time, time, and more time.  A lot of us do, though we don't see it until later.  And suggesting that possibility to someone while they're stuck in the not-yet is horribly cliche, I know.  (It's like that "Well, I just knew ," statement I despised so much until I found in my own case that it was quite true).  But at least it's not putting the idea out there that I am happily married because I arrived at some uber-spiritual place of wanting for nothing, and that if a single person can just be AMAZING like me, well, maybe they too can enter the perfect, sublime world of the married too (snicker).

I've just never known God to be good to me based on my got-it-all-togetherness.  You?

an update. finally!

A long-awaited update on my dad, sorta.  After re-running all the tests in Seattle, the doctors there determined that a valve replacement wouldn't likely be the solution to dad's low heart function, as much of the heart has been damaged by radiation treatments, past congestive HF, and resulting pericardectomy.  They're looking into medications that can help.  On the one hand, we're genuinely relieved that what was described to us as a risky surgery won't have to be done at this point in time.  On the other hand, while much of Dad's life activities (biking, especially, which he loves) won't need to be adjusted, the docs are unsure if he'll be able to return to work, as any kind of lifting may be off-limits for him going forward.

More tests to come, and while this could be quite an adjustment for my folks, we're now thankful for all the delays at our local hospital.  If there would not have been so many delays and bumps, it's possible he could have already undergone a surgery 1) that had a lot of uncertainty for the docs going in, and 2) would not have helped him all that much.

We've really sensed your prayers and a peace in the midst of one-thing-after-another, so for my family and myself, thank you.

memorial day weekend fun

Hi!

No surgery for Dad yet... they've referred him to a hospital in the big city (Seattle) rather than the one at home, so naturally they're wanting to re-do all the tests since their machines are much better.  The new doc mentioned that whatever is causing the low heart function might not necessarily need surgery.  All of a sudden we're grateful for all the delays with the other hospital--he could have already had a risky surgery that he didn't need.  Then again, he might need surgery.  We'll see.  So, we're cautiously hopeful and getting used to waiting.  And poor Dad is getting used to hanging around, doing not much of anything.

Kev-bone and our friends Grace and Andy (the Lucaii) visited us over the holiday weekend, and we did some hanging out down on the waterfront, and some far-more-strenuous-than-planned hiking just south of Bellingham (Oyster Dome).

Here are some pics!



Kevo out on the ridge.  Great view, huh?



Gracie and Andy at Boulevard Park.



Love this picture!



View of the San Juan Islands.



Two tired kids.

Fun times... and it only took our bodies a week to recuperate.  Oi.

quick update

Hey all... thought I'd give an update on how things are going.  The general gist is, "WTF?"  I don't mean to complain, but... seriously?

Dad developed shingles about a week and a half ago, probably as a result of all the stress of thinking about surgery, going through testing, etc.  Took that in stride, and his case didn't seem to get as painful as shingles can sometimes get, which is good.

We've been waiting rather anxiously for Dad to meet with the surgeons to figure out when his surgery will be.  About two hours before the appointment yesterday, my mom was rear-ended while doing deliveries at work.  She's already hurting.  This was the last thing her poor body needed.

At the surgeon appointment, they reviewed the tests and said the surgery is going to be quite serious -- the way it was explained to me, because of that membrane (the paracardium) removed 20 years ago, it's as if the doctors are working without a guide to where the particular arteries are located.  They're considering sending him over to Seattle an hour and a half away rather than doing the surgery near home.  The medical center over there has a few more resources to deal with caring for him if something unplanned were to happen.

We're just all feeling overwhelmed and scared, and things keep getting added to an already heavy load.  I know we're not the only family who has dealt or is currently dealing with this kind of stuff, and I'm thankful for small graces along the way, but I'd be lying to pretend like we're not going through the wringer on this one.

We'd sure appreciate your thoughts and prayers.  I think we've got a long month or two ahead.

In other news, this picture makes me smile... and then giggle a bit.



Only you can prevent swine flu.

fear and gratitude

A quick glance at the news loop reveals things to be afraid of:

Swine flu pandemic

Recession

Unemployment

Home foreclosure

Twitter and Twitterers (is the proper terminology "twits"?)

Obesity

Salmonella poisoning

Creed reuniting

North Korea

Divorce

Fox News

Aging

Low-flying planes

A quick glance at my life reveals things to be thankful for:

My husband, who puts his whole heart into our marriage

My husband, who knows how to fix a computer when it's on the fritz

Family and dear friends

Medical advances that allow lives to be saved (like my dad's)

A roof over my head, and then some

Two jobs that I enjoy

A Bellingham Public Library card

The Office

My diploma, which arrived in the mail yesterday

My student loan bills, which have not arrived yet

Books that help me not give up on faith

My yellow bicycle

Grace to try again

tulip festival | mount vernon

Fun-filled day for us--we went to the Museum of Radio & Electricity this morning and then headed down to the Tulip Festival to meet up with my mom and dad for a bit.

It's not something I'd need to do every year, but it was fun to go crazy with my camera.  Here are a few of my favorite shots:






 













 





And, of course, the obligatory happy-snap.

fire at 301-C

So, tonight Justin and I got a first-hand view of what our third-story, on-the-corner apartment would look like if it were on fire.

It would look just like this:



We arrived home this afternoon and saw some funny smoke just starting to come from the apartment building next to ours, which doesn't seem all that out-of-the-ordinary since people are barbecuing in this nice weather.  Still, it looked a little weird, so I pointed it out to Justin, and he commented that it smelled just like those little firework-worms we used to get around the fourth of July as kids.  Then we heard people start screaming and banging on doors, so we dropped our stuff inside our apartment, called 9-1-1, and headed over.

It's amazing how complete strangers help each other when something crazy happens.  The fire engulfed the apartment's front door, and we found out later that a girl in her twenties helped pull a trapped person out of a window when the fire first began.  On the other end of the building, people helped carry an elderly man down the stairs during the evacuation.  Everyone got out safely, no one was hurt.

Standing a small distance away to avoid getting in the way of the fire crew once they arrived, we were watching with all our neighbors when a man came up to us and asked us what was going on.  We pointed and said the fire had started about fifteen minutes ago, but it looked like they had it under control.  Squinting, he said, "That's my house," and his knees began to shake.  Not a great way to arrive home from work.

We stopped by a few minutes ago, and fortunately, all the damage was at the front door, possibly ignited by the dryer (see, Mom, you didn't make me completely paranoid about running the dryer when I'm not home... you made me smart).  Everything else in the apartment was ok, including the mail sitting in the keyholder in the front doorway.  Kind of amazing after all that flame.  The man seems to be keeping a good perspective on all of this, realizing it could have been much, much worse.

Fire freaks me out.  I never really thought about it much until someone did this (on purpose) to my brother's house the day before my wedding:








Sick.  All five roommates lost everything to fire or looters.

I am happy for our neighbor that this was a different situation and almost all of his stuff was spared.  We like to say stuff isn't important, but the reality is that it hits pretty hard when you lose all of it in fifteen minutes.  The fire inspector said that if they'd arrived five minutes later, the whole apartment would have gone up.

Anyway, nice reality check.  I find myself grateful for my home and my little family... and for the safety of the neighbors I never met before today.

it's spring. for real.

Saw these beauties while I was out on my epic every-neighborhood-in-Bellingham shoot.  Apparently flowers are less afraid of sunny-but-still-48 degrees than we are.

Doubt was amazing.

About thirty seconds into the preview for Doubt, Justin and I looked at each other with big eyes and nodded -- yep, we're definitely seeing this one.  Besides being big Philip Seymour Hoffman fans, the film deals with themes we care about -- certainty vs. doubt, church power and religious tradition vs. change and inclusivity.  That, and the stark, moody shots looked rather stunning.

Like many movies these days, we didn't get around to seeing it until it came out on DVD (go Netflix!), but now I understand why each of the four principal characters received Oscar nods.  They deserved them.  

PSH and Meryl Streep, especially.  The movie steadily builds on their barely-restrained frustrations and suspicions and dislike, which makes for an intense hour and a half (not a moment of which was wasted, good point Brandon) -- but it also builds on their very human complexities.  Neither person is completely victim or villain.  Anyone is capable of taking an unexpected course.  When Father Flynn and Sister Aloysius finally battle it out -- as we know they will from early on -- their flood of words and emotions don't seem overdone; their very believable, well-rounded portrayals up to this point have prepared us for this overwhelming clash of wills.

Meryl Streep's accent blows my mind.

Props to Amy Adams (the purse girl) for taking on such a difficult role.  It's a far cry from Gisele in Enchanted (which I love unashamedly), but she nailed it, giving Sister James a perfect blend of naivete and fierce idealism.  And Viola Davis... it says something when you get an Oscar nom for a total of about ten minutes on-screen.  That scene smashed me flat (and made me feel pretty smart, as I'd figured out what Mom reveals much earlier than my male co-movie-watchers).

If you're looking for a film that leaves you knowing exactly what to think or feel, this probably isn't the movie for you.  It's wonderfully ambiguous.  (I heard of another person who came to a completely different conclusion than I did at the end regarding Father Flynn's guilt or innocence -- I like that this is possible in a film).  But if you like those movies that hum for a while after the closing credits, that leave you thinking for a few days afterward -- give it a watch.  Then let me know what you think.

I am not good at getting my books signed.

The good news is that we went with friends to hear Anne Lamott speak down in Mercer Island, and she was a joy to listen to.  After a morning spent on the phone dealing with the unpleasant -- talking to Alaska Air about how to cancel our Maui flights, talking to my old boss Bob the Attorney about helping my folks get the kind of paperwork you want to have done when you're going into major surgery -- I was ready for a kind voice.  Which she was (and funny, too).  As she spoke to the packed gymnasium, I think most people there felt very embraced (unless feminism bothered them).

The bad news is that -- well, I'm kind of a freak.  Since we sat almost in the back row, we were able to get out of the gym quickly and head straight for where Anne would be signing books.  Many people had brought or were buying books, so we thought a long line would form.  It did, but I was person number three in that line.  For about thirty seconds, I thought, SWEET!  We won't be in line forever!



Being in the front of the line, I had no time to think of anything to say.  When the two people in front of me disappeared, I panicked.  (Clearly, meeting favorite authors is my equivalent of meeting rock stars).  In a voice much higher than my own, I gushed that I was so glad to have finally heard her speak, and then I just sort of looked at her for a moment because I couldn't think of anything to say.  Without shaking her hand, I slid my book toward her on the table.  She graciously signed it.  After stumbling through a request for a picture, Justin and I posed for an awkward photo with the poor woman -- the first of many, I'm sure.

This is a picture of me thinking "Why am I crouching behind Anne Lamott?" behind Anne Lamott.  Also, with Justin Lawlis.



In an attempt to shake off the memory of crouching behind Anne Lamott, I will return to some of the thoughts she shared with all of us semi-crazy people.  I jotted down some notes in the back of my book, so they're jumbled and probably badly paraphrased, but fun anyway.

She started off by joking that "Anything I write is basically about how I'm doing on any given day," then read a passage from Bird by Bird about writing as a present to yourself, or to the person whose story you're telling, etc.  She said no one cares if you write -- when you bring out your pen, they'll ask, "Oh, so you've got a publisher now?" -- let yourself take notes anyway.  Then she talked about seven things that she knows for sure.

1.  It's okay not to know more than you know right now.  Perfectionism is the voice of the Oppressor. She shared again with us that quote from Bird by Bird, where she writes, "E.L. Doctorow said once said that 'Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.' You don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice on writing, or life, I have ever heard."

2.  The most profound thing you can do on any given day is less. Make a list and cross three things off immediately.  Never help anyone move after the age of 40.  Tell them you'll bring sandwiches 'round for the younger folks around 1 pm.  With cookies.  Because you said you would is a terrible reason to do something.  Reserve the right to say those difficult words: "I've changed my mind."

If I have only 3 1/2 days left on this earth (1 day doesn't work for me, I like 3 1/2 days better), I want to spend most of that time outside.  And I want to have taken a nap.  And I hope I've overeaten at least three times in that three days.  There's not time to catch up later, especially with your kids and grandkids who will grow up with our without you.  All this meaningless activity argues a wasted life.

Many of us are afraid, because of how we were raised, that if we stop -- if we just stop -- a huge abyss will open up at our feet.  And it might.  It might open up right then and there.  But it's only there that people can meet you, that people can see you need help.  Jesus can meet you there.  And one of the things I love about Jesus is that he's really good with crazy people.  He doesn't just pull you up.  He sits beside you, leaning back against the wall.  He says, "Have you eaten?"

3.  Failures and mistakes and false starts are essential to the process. Take up something you'll be really bad at.  By the age of 12, we pretty much know what we're good at; it's been winnowed out of us, and we pretty much stick to that for the rest of our lives.  We become SO afraid of being bad at things, which is very limiting.

4.  You get to ask for a lot of help. When you're writing, for instance.  Have a pen.  If you don't know what something was like, ask.  Listen to the way people tell you about their experience.  By listening, you can understand what things are (or were) for other people, but you can also find out what things aren't for you.

You get to ask for a lot of help.

And, there's the four things Anne Lamott knows for sure.

Other than the fact that the people who come to her book signings are a little strange.

not quite what I'd envisioned...

It's been a long, crazy month since we graduated.  A few highlights, and one urgent need for prayers/good thoughts/what-have-you...

...One of our coolest patients at my "real job" hired me to shoot photos all over Bellingham (she's a real estate agent and needs photos of all thirty-something neighborhoods, along with their schools & parks), as well as write copy for her site.  It's quite the undertaking, but it's been incredibly fun to be a) out with my camera all day; b) paid for it.  And the copywriting means I'm using my English degree, thankyouverymuch.

...For the first time in at least a year, I spent some solid time with dear friends down in Bremerton.  Since they live right in between my parents and J's folks, it has been notoriously difficult to get together because we were always "home" for holidays and not much else.  Now that we've graduated, it was a good time just to stay with our friends.  And it was amazing.  We got to meet Jeremy & Tracie's new son, and celebrate a coming addition to Andy & Grace's family.  That's two of my bridesmaids down... Amanda?  Anything you want to tell me?

When you get married and promptly move away from your good friends (and immediately start school), it's difficult to guage how it will impact things.  I'm so thankful for friendships that grow over time and distance, rather than fading (that includes you too, Julie).  Because I'm a total headcase, sometimes I wonder, Will things be awkward?  And that awkward moment never comes.  The laughter starts up, and I'm comfortable in my own skin as always, looking forward to a time when maybe we won't all live so far apart.

...and here comes the tough stuff.  My dad will be having open heart surgery soon to replace his aeorta valve and do a double-or-triple bypass.  This news hit us all really unexpectedly -- in addition to the scariness of surgery, we had a family trip planned to Hawaii next month, and no one needed a trip to the beach more than my mom and dad, for whom retirement has not been the idyllic time they had imagined.

We took it in stride as much as possible, and had a good Easter laughing together.  But after a test yesterday, we found out that the surgery will be a lot more complicated due to Dad's first open heart surgery over 20 years ago.  Dad had cancer when he was younger, and the Navy hospital, performing up to its infamous reputation, messed up the radiation treatments.  It affected the membrane around Dad's heart, and he went into congestive heart failure at the age of 34.  

There's scar tissue around the heart where they did surgery before, which makes the surgery more serious than first anticipated.  The heart has to work harder when scar tissue is involved, it becomes enlarged, etc.  They're doing all sorts of tests over the next few weeks to figure things out.

Grandma also has some heart stuff going on, so Mom is shuttling in between hours-long tests for Dad and cardiologist appointments for Grandma. Mom fell down the stairs at work two days ago.  (This is always the way my family does stuff -- try and make a crazy story out of it -- like our tent trailer rolling into a lake, or Kevin's house burning down the day before my wedding.  This particular story is my least favorite so far).  

I'm trying to wait until I can do the most good before I take off work and head down... but it's tough to be even three hours away.

Much of being a grown-up totally sucks, I'm realizing.

We'd genuinely appreciate your prayers.  Especially for these two people, who just celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary last week:

 Thanks.

it's spring. allegedly.

Hello friends!  Here is your official glimpse of spring, in case you live in Washington State or some equally weather-confused place:

It's all the sunshine we've got in our apartment right now.  (Unless you count J.  Which I do).
All together now, everyone take your Vitamin D... Ah.  That's better.  I've also got a cold, so Vitamin C is joining the party.
Thanks for the graduation 'grats, by the way.  It was a good day.  Not because of the ceremony; there were too many "Art students will be collecting donations from the business majors out in Red Square" jokes for my taste, and the class speaker was one of those shiny, happy Christians clearly trying to get in her last witnessing attempt before college was officially over.  (Grrr.  Talk about a captive audience).  
It was a good day because, for once in my semi-flaky life -- I finished something and finished it well.  After flunking (and I mean, FLUNKING) out of Bible college at 19, trying again at 21, and having to withdraw from that attempt after two car accidents in three months -- I came back to Western at 27 and finally nailed it like the late-bloomer I am.  I grabbed my diploma, shook a man's hand, and then turned to let out a whoop for J, who received his diploma right after me.  It was cool.  Even with those awful hats.
College is finished -- at least for a good while.  The next thing beckons.  (No, not kids.  Yet).  And my stomach is doing that thing it always does when I'm out in new, undefined territory.  It is reminding me, in no uncertain terms, that my stomach and I would be best served finding something less scary to do.
I never thought I would be someone who starts their own business.  Never saw myself as the type and yet, here I am.  Rather than leaving my awesome-but-part-time gig at the chiropractic office for a full-time job, I've decided to supplement it with creative design work from home (photography, graphic design, website design, copywriting -- know anyone who needs it, send 'em my way).  The goal is to be able to work from home someday, especially if we make good on our threat to reproduce at some point.
A new business probably doesn't seem scary.  It wasn't.  Until I started looking at which tax forms I need to fill out.  Until I got my Dreamweaver CS3 book, which would make an excellent blunt weapon if I was attacked here in our home office.  Until I realized what I don't know how to do yet.  Until what seemed like a great "in" started to look like it might not be.  Then it became a little more real.  Enter the gnarled-up stomach.  And the loud, ever-so-persuasive I-can't voice.
(It seems slightly relevant here to mention I flunked out that first time because I was so terrified of not doing well that I sat for nine months staring at a white screen and blinking cursor, or trying to forget the existence of a white screen and blinking cursor.  I blame my stomach mostly). 
That I-can't hit me pretty hard when I returned to school this last time.  My first month and a half back, I was a teary mess.  I had occasional moments of panic up until the day I turned in my last paper.  Fortunately, I had J, who saturated me with encouragement, as well as a professor who wrote me that first quarter to say that one of my papers was a fine bit of ass-kickery (that's a quote).  We made it through, and I learned to ignore my stomach unless it had something to do with being hungry.  Clearly and much to my detriment, I haven't ignored those urges.
I'm a little more aware these days.  J has more help: I'm learning to be on my own side.  I'm reading a blog by someone who helps creative dreamers get destuckified.  And my first official client is a sweet, sassy businesslady who signs her e-mails "Hugs!" and reminds me to breathe.
Also: we're going to see Anne Lamott (one of my top-two favorite authors) in Seattle in a couple weeks, and I can't think of a better example of learning to be kind to one's self despite slight semi-neurotic tendencies.  I LOVE her.  Not in that affectionate way, but in that totally-obsessed-fan-who-will-make-a-fool-of-herself-when-she-goes-to-get-her-book-signed kind of way.  It'll be awesome.  Maybe I can get a picture with her.
Anyway.  That's enough for today.  I've got some work to do.  :)
Hope you all are well.  I'm excited to be around blog-world a little more.

we came; we wore funny hats; we conquered.

We're done!

educated. almost.

Hello, you two silly people who continue to stop by in utter defiance of my non-posting.

The countdown has begun... I turn in my last final on March 17th, and will graduate on the 21st.  By some trickery I've convinced Justin to also walk at the graduation ceremony.  I told him there would be bagpipes. 

BAGPIPES! Played by this guy, hopefully:

Why walk in what is sure to be a coma-inducing ceremony?  Really, I'm a little too old to celebrate graduation as if it is this grand portal to Adult Life.  First, I find Adult Life highly overrated, and prefer infinite Big-Kid-dom with my playful, silly spouse; and second, the College Experience is markedly different when you're working and paying your own bills (it's better, but I'll save that for another post).  There's no real transition happening here; I'll be working the same job, living in the same apartment.  The only tangible difference is that I'll have more time to chase some things that have had to wait (reading books I want to read, blogging, developing my little business). 

Oh, and I will be given a piece of paper saying I finished something--a quest 11+ years in the making.  I began my degree Fall of 1997 and will graduate Winter of 2009.  Oi.  When something takes you over a decade to accomplish, it's probably worth celebrating.  (Even if I have to pay the Alumni Association $40 to do it.  You jackals!  I'm graduating with 220.5 credits... if there was a punch card or something, I think I'd have fully earned free graduation by now).

The biggest reason (and the silliest, unless you're a photo person): I want a good picture of the two of us in our caps.  Justin wonders why we can't just skip the ceremony and take a picture in our caps out in Red Square or something, but his pleas fall on deaf ears. 

Bagpipes, honey.  Bagpipes.

Hope to be around a little more once I'm officially educated.  Til then.

02.24.09 | Oh, coffee.  You complete me.

happy new year...

to you all!

Justin graduated!  Whoo-hoo!

My last quarter of school is now in session, and it's about time.  :)  I took it easy on myself and took two correspondence courses... although there's an insane amount of reading, I'm enjoying the eight hours freed up each week (hours I'd normally be in lecture or workshop).

What have I been doing with those extra eight hours?



I've been spending a little quality time with this thing (except mine is black).  Merry Christmas to me.  And to Justin's belly (good thing we just joined the Y).

Now, there are those doubters (GRACE) who think, "Stacey, cooking and baking?  Not possible."  But I've been on a rampage for the past few weeks.  Bread, lemon loaves, snickerdoodles, from-scratch pizza (we'll never go back)... YUM.

So much for blogging more in the new year...  :(